Not getting the support you need while losing weight? Handling the haters
You're so excited to get started losing weight. You've figured out what you're going to eat, what workouts you're going to do, and what outfit you're striving to get your butt back into. You're a little nervous, a little excited, and really driven to make it work this time.
You finally let the cat out of the bag to your spouse, your bestie, your favorite co-worker, whomever your person is...
and you do NOT get the reaction you expected.
Ugh, punch in the face.
>>> You start using the couch to 5k app and you're told "You shouldn't run, it's bad for your knees."
>>> You join CrossFit which is way outside your comfort zone but to your surprise, it’s actually fun and met some cool people but then you hear, "CrossFit is dangerous, you shouldn't be doing that. You're going to ruin your shoulders, blah blah."
>>> You decide to try out a paleo diet/ keto diet/ insert some diet/ and you’re really liking it, but then all you hear is "why are you doing that? It's not sustainable, you should just cut calories/try this other diet/you look fine the way you are".
>>> You're counting macros, like legit weighing and measuring food and your family is appalled, "This is really extreme behavior" say the people extremely smashing a bag of Doritos who haven't moved off the couch in 3 hours.
Sigh...ok you get the point.
Why in the world do people respond this way? And how do we handle it so we can keep on going, not become deflated by all the negativity, and not want to punch our friends and family in the face?
We're going to talk about all of this because...
A strong support system has been proven to be important to hitting your goals.
There's good literature on this and I've seen it myself with the women I work with. The good news is that there are things you can do to better navigate these situations and to create positive influences. This will make your journey fun and more likely to succeed, regardless of how the haters in your world are acting right now!
Maybe your friends and family are seemingly supportive, with their words anyways. But their actions speak a different game. The "hey girl, you can eat this one donut" game. Not today Satan, have a seat. We're going to talk about the well-meaning but often misguided loved ones too.
At the end of the day what really matters is you hitting your goals! Not what someone else thinks about what you're doing. But the truth is that we're social creatures, and a lack of support is a real obstacle that we all face, so let’s chat about some ways to build a stronger support system.
Why They Might Respond Negatively?
People do NOT like change. In fact, they dislike it so much that they don't even want people around them to change!
For the most part, people aren't even aware that they don't like change or that they have any thoughts at all about your weight loss efforts. They aren't consciously trying to be haters or to sabotage you (unless you're in some really unhealthy relationships but that's a whole other blog that ends in - run away from these people).
But, for the most part, your friends and family love you very much and wouldn't intentionally wreck your plans. But let's face it, over half of our population is overweight. So, you trying to lose weight actually makes you the odd man out. If you think people who aren't interested in working on their own health are going to put any thought into how they can intentionally help you along on your journey, wake up sister.
They can be brought into the plan and become super awesome cheerleaders. But they don't innately know how to do this. It's your journey, not theirs, so you have to show them what you need and how they can help. Ya might have to give them a little time to adjust to the new you also.
Now, some people are not going to want you to make these changes for their own selfish reasons.
#1 - They think you'll be different.
Well, they're right. You will be different. You will be a more disciplined person at the end of this. It can't possibly come to fruition without that being true. So, you'll be more disciplined, ok great. You will also have more energy, you will be more confident, and you will have more joy.
So, yeah, you're going to be a little different. And even though these are all good things, different is always a little uncomfortable, at first.
When you have more energy for your family and you're less crabby, they'll stop being so worried about the new you, trust me.
#2 - When people around us make changes that we know we should be making too, it's kind of a mirror to reflect right back on the actions we ourselves are not taking.
And that doesn't feel so great. So, if you've got a spouse or a friend who is terribly unhealthy, knows they should make some changes and have been letting themselves off the hook with all kinds of great excuses. Now, when you start making all the changes they've been thinking they should make, they may not feel so great about themselves. The thing to note in all that is that it's a "them" problem, not a "you" problem and that's something that person has to work out on their own. Stay in your lane.
#3 - They may be annoyed with how it will affect them.
If you run through the house and throw away everyone's favorite treats because you're trying to lose weight, they're rightfully annoyed. If you and your significant other are typically weekend warriors drinking insane amounts of calories at the bar every Friday and all of a sudden you're not into it, they just lost their drinking buddy. You may need to take a little time to workout, meal prep, etc and your boo may not love this. It doesn't mean ya don't do these things, there just might need to be a few details ironed out.
#4 - They're not really aware of what you're going through.
Either they've never been in your shoes, they can just eat and eat and eat and not gain weight. Or, they're overweight as well but they're not really bothered by it or haven't tried to lose weight. They're not being a hater on purpose, they just don't know your struggle.
WHAT CAN WE DO ABOUT IT?
TIPS FOR HANDLING YOUR EXISTING TRIBE
>>> Explain what you're working towards and why it's so important to you.
Don't expect your spouse or friends to just understand exactly what you've been struggling with, especially if you're bothered by things you've never expressed. Get crystal clear with them about what you’re up to and why it’s important to you, instead of being vague.
Vague - I really want to lose weight so I'm going on a diet.
Clear - I hate the way I feel in all of my clothes. It's really starting to affect me. I don't even want to go out and have fun because I'm so unhappy with the way I look right now. So, I'm going to be taking a little time each day to go on a walk and I'm going to start making healthier food choices.
>>> Explain how they can be supportive.
Again, this is your journey, not theirs. Share with them the ways they can help you out, but be reasonable about it. You’re trying to lose weight, they aren’t. So come up with solutions that help you but don’t force them onto your diet.
Examples:
I don't expect you to keep all junk food out of the house, but we both know ice cream is my kryptonite. If we can keep that out for a while until I get better at this, that would be really helpful.
I'm going to need 30 minutes each night to go on a walk, so if you could help me with clean up after dinner so I can fit that in, that would be so helpful and I would really appreciate it.
>>> Don't badger them to change with you
It would be super cool if your loved ones wanted to hop on board with you, and watching you will often inspire others to do just that. But, it's your journey, not theirs, so don't push it on them. If they know how they can be supportive and why it's important to you and you're NOT bugging them about every little junk food they are eating, they're much more likely to be supportive instead of bitter or annoyed at the changes you're making.
>>> Discuss (and potentially negotiate) anything that will affect the other person
If you're going to need their help with something, you can't force it on them. You have to get them to buy into the idea of helping you out.
If you're going to stop doing something that you both enjoyed together like fried food dinners out, binge drinking, etc then you should discuss how you won't be doing that activity anymore and plan something you can still do out together that will fit in line with your new goals. Remember, you will still enjoy the things you love in life, you'll just have some of them less often. Remind them of this too!
>>> Listen to their concerns
If you've been on a health kick for a while and your person doesn't seem to be handling this well, maybe they constantly offer you treats they should know by now don't match up with your new eating plan, or they're always whining about something new you're doing, have an honest discussion to find out what they are really bothered by so you two can talk it out.
>>> Don't explain yourself to everyone
Oh, this one will save you so much grief - I put it in BOLD for a reason…
Every person in your life doesn't need to be let in on your new plan. Only have these in-depth convos with people closest to you, who you will really need support from, and who are going to notice your new behavior.
You don't need to explain why you don't want a donut to your co-worker or tell your mailman about your new workout routine. Number one, they don't really care. Number two, you're opening the door for unsolicited advice that you don't care to hear. Number three, it's none of their business.
Practice saying "no thanks" without explaining yourself!
A friend offers you a cookie, "no thanks" works WAY easier than "I can’t, I'm trying to watch my carbs". One opens the door for a convo you don't need to have, one doesn't.
A co-worker wants you to pick up a shift that will take away from the time you need to work out or meal prep, say "I'm sorry but I can't" instead of "I'm sorry I can't, I have a Zumba class at that time." One opens the door for a convo you don't want to have, one does not.
Plus, you don't have to explain to anyone what you do with your time. They aren't entitled to your time, so you're allowed to say "no" for no good reason at all. But let’s be serious, bettering your health is one of the most important things you could possibly do with your time.
>>> Be careful who you take advice from
Everyone is going to have an opinion about what you're doing, and most people won't have any clue what they're talking about.
How you choose to respond to these people is up to you, but the one thing you must do is be very careful who you take advice from. Now, sometimes it's really obvious when someone doesn't know what they're talking about. I once watched 3 very overweight women badger a friend about a dietary choice she was making (that was working for her by the way) and could see the deflate on her face. I wanted to shake her and say "girl why are you letting these women get in your head when they clearly know nothing about weight loss?!!"
Ok you know me I did pull her aside and say that, but I didn't shake her.
Other times the advice may come from someone who seems to know their stuff. Maybe they recently lost weight, but they did some weird stuff to get there that isn’t going to work for you. Maybe they’re naturally lean and they don’t really know what it will take for your body type to drop weight. On some level, they have the end goal of what you’re after, but that doesn’t mean their advice is sound for you! So ya gotta pick and choose carefully who you listen to.
The most convincing but worst advice usually comes from the zealot dieter.
We know there are several ways to successfully lose weight and what works for one person may not be what works for another. But, humans are prone to thinking about complex topics through their very narrow self-view of the world.
So, if something worked very well for them, they will insist that it is the ONE TRUE WAY and at times be adamant that their way is better and you will fail by doing things any other way. They become a crusader for this one true way of losing weight and preach it to anyone even remotely interested in losing weight. This is where we get crazy ideas like eating bananas will make you fat, running is bad for your health, and you can’t lose weight and eat fat.
Just because they have found success doing something doesn't mean that they are any smarter than you or their way is any better. You do you boo and let the unsolicited advice-givers blather on, but take what they say with a grain of salt.
A quick "I'm so glad that worked for you, but this is working well for me" tends to shut it down without a lot of banter back and forth.
You wouldn’t take financial advice from your broke uncle and you shouldn't take weight loss advice from someone who clearly knows nothing about weight loss, or who loses weight all the time and puts it back on just as fast.
Before considering if you want to heed the advice being offered consider this person's experience in what they're saying, level of education about the topic, and motivation for offering up the advice in the first place.
>>> Shake it off
Sometimes people are just going to suck. It is what it is. But you can't let it get in your headspace. Realize that any negativity coming your way is a "them" problem, not a "you" problem, and you can't let people who are stuck in their own bad place keep you in your bad place!
Next week's blog is going to talk a lot about how to stay in a positive headspace, but for now, focus on why you're doing what you're doing. Be crystal clear about what you're trying to accomplish and how it will better your life. When you're focused and acting purposefully and negativity comes your way, it's much easier to shake it off and keep moving forward.
BUILDING A TRIBE FOR SUCCESS
We've discussed what to do with the humans that already exist in your world, but adding in some new peeps can be a HUGE benefit on your health journey! Your friends and family may never want to partake in the new activities you start to love. That's ok, it's not their jam, but find some people that you CAN do these new fun things with or who can mentor you along your path.
Here are a few places you can start to build a healthy tribe:
>>> Join a group fitness class
Group fitness classes, like CrossFit and yoga, are great places to find friends who are also on a health journey. We tend to shy away from these classes because we assume everyone in there already has their crap together and we'll be the only person who doesn't know what we're doing.
Nothing can be further from the truth. You will find a good mix of fitness levels in these types of classes and the support is usually amazing. It's very encouraging to meet up with others who are trying to better themselves like you are!
>>> Hire a coach
Want a supportive person in your life that has some knowledge of what you're going through and knows how to help you stay accountable? Who is always in your corner and wants to see you hit your goals? Hire someone! Putting down a little cash to hit your goal is a huge accountability trigger, but there's also a lot of emotional support that comes along with this, not to mention expertise.
This can be a health coach, a personal trainer, a nutritionist, etc. The key is to find someone whose personality jives with your own and knows their crap.
>>> Meet-ups
The meet-up app is a really cool way to either find an existing group of people who get together or create your own event. I know women who have created groups for women over 50 who want to walk on the beach each morning and women in their 40s who want to do yoga in the park together. You can make a group for literally anything you want!
>>> Join Facebook groups
Nothing is as good as in-person connect in my opinion. But, you can find some pretty cool groups on Facebook where you can at the very least bounce ideas off other people who are on a similar journey. And who knows, maybe you'll even make a few great connections with women just like ya self.
>>> Podcasts
While you’re not actually interacting with the podcast host, listening to positive/health-focused content on a regular basis puts you in the right headspace.
Some of the biggest influencers on my own health journey are people I follow but have never met. I feel like I know these people because I listen to their podcasts every week and it’s a constant stream of really great information. When I’m listening to things like this on my car rides or during my workouts, I feel like I have a larger network of health-conscious peeps in my corner. It keeps my focus on taking actions that will get me toward my goals and it’s definitely helped me stay more consistent.
There are so many unique and fun ways to build a supportive tribe. The more you're jumping into a healthy space, the more opportunity you will naturally find to connect with positive and like-minded people.
Just be aware that it is a big benefit for you to seek out these positive connections and you'll be surprised how many fun people you meet along the way and how much easier it ends up making your journey.
Some of your existing friends and family will be amazing, some will not. Thinking through how to handle these situations instead of reacting from an emotional place can go a long way. But, at the end of the day, we can't control how someone acts towards us and our new adventure, and we have to find a way to push forward regardless.
Keep your eye on the prize, have fun with the humans in your life that you can share this ride with, and shake off the haters. I mean, ya can love them all and just not let the negativity into your headspace. You've got this!
PS. If you're a regular reader or social media friend, I'm super grateful to be a part of your tribe.
